I'm in a very strange place right now.
Not the actual place I'm at- my mom's house in Bay City. No, rather, I'm in a transitionary period that is leaving me unsure of what exactly to expect in the future near and far. The past 17 years of my life have followed a formula that offered little divergence- go to school August through May, summer vacation in between and do it all again. Now that I'm a college graduate, however, I'm not aware of what to do after this. The pattern has been broken and there's not a clear path ahead of me.
As I prepare to join the ranks of the unemployed Americans throughout the nation, lots of potential paths seem to spring up- get a job in education, find a random job just to pay bills, come home and live with my parents and save up money till a better job comes up... these are all things which I have considered over the last few weeks. The problem comes up in implementing them; they are all based on ideals, things in which I would need things to fall my way, something that I can only recall happening once in my life.
It's also got me thinking; what happens after that? Say I find a job doing something at UT, or back home, or a random place in Austin... what then? I stay there and work at the job for my whole life, maybe move around to different jobs, or continue with menial, only somewhat fulfilling jobs that will in the end leave me completely unsatiated with life? The thought is not one that I get excited about.
Truth- I need a job to pay for my bills. Rent, food, credit card payments, cell phone, student loans... these all add up and need to be paid for. The factor that is complicating things is happiness. I'm not even sure if I can do a job that I wouldn't be happy in, not for a long term. I don't have the attention span, and it's never exactly been a strength of mine, doing something which I don't enjoy. Most people out there will probably see this as selfish and lazy, which it probably is. Foolish as well, perhaps. It may be, actually. Still, we all have dreams; some of us, luckier than others, get dreams of being a doctor, or working with numbers, or even having a family to love and protect and take care of. Me? I don't really desire any of those things. Maybe a family one day, but certainly not for a while; I'm too selfish to be responsible for other people's welfare. Some of us, like me, dream of doing things that are perhaps somewhat selfish, or unnecessary, or difficult, maybe all of them.
All the things that I could imagine myself doing my whole life, they are for most people hobbies; things which you do on the side to make life a little more bearable. For me, though, these things are more than that- they're what I know. It's tough because as much as I would like to be in a profession where a job presents itself to me that I can expect to have for years with a good salary, it all comes back to the same dreams, dreams that are impossible, difficult, and unlikely. There's this little part of me, though, which keeps asking "Who cares?"
I watched Sister Act 2 the other day, and Whoopi said one of my favorite quotes ever: "If you wake up every day and the only thing that you can think about is being a singer, then you're a singer." I suppose that this makes me a singer. And an actor. These are the only things that I could ever see myself doing for the rest of my life. American Studies, while a fascinating major and incredibly useful, is more of a hobby to me; I want to be involved with people and with helping out communities in need, but that's not where I fit in. We in the church all have different callings, some of us to overt ministry, some to charity, others to work in different parts of society, and I always keep coming back to the performers, the artists, people who I get. I just don't see anywhere else for me to be.
So now that I'm unemployed, the question lingers, what do I do? How can I follow my dreams? I can't just fly to LA and try working; I don't have the money or the knowledge of how to do that. Am I ready to give up the relationships and the safety that I feel in my current place in life? I'm unsure. Pursuing that which I feel is right for me, performing, would severely disappoint many of those who care about me, particularly my family, and I don't want to disappoint them. They have supported me my whole life and I want to make them happy. However, does that come at the expense of my own happiness? Not only that, but would they really be getting the real me?
I think that I have the reputation with some of being overly critical and cynical about things, which is true to a degree and I think I know where it's coming from- people around me seem to have it all together, dreaming big about achievable things. I have never had that, nor do I think that I ever will and it frustrates me to no end. I don't want to become this person who hates everyone for their success, who relishes in tearing others down because of their own iniquities. I think that the only way for me to change this is to follow the passions and gifts that God has given me. Maybe nothing will ever happen; I'll be a stereotypical starving artist, never getting ahead in life and always dreaming bigger than reality will allow. I'd be ok with that, though. It's never been my prerogative to be rich and performing is what I love.
I want to follow my heart. Now I just need to figure out how. Any suggestions?
